Because Why Not
by Ms.TamborineMan
Summary: The Cullens decide that they can make a better movie about themselves given the script of New Moon. Written a long time ago. Total crack. I don't plan on writing any more of this and don't know why I did in the first place. Jasper's POV


**I have no idea why I wrote this, but I read it today and found it funny enough to share. Total crack fic. **

Preface

I felt like I was in one of those horrifying nightmares. The kind where you were playing in a movie that was already made about your family but you couldn't play the role of yourself. Instead, you got the leading role as the opposite sex, and, on top of that, had to go chasing after your lunatic brother in Italy. Unfortunately, this wasn't a dream. Great. This is going to be just a blast!

* * *

CAST

Bella….Jasper

Edward….Edward

Alice….Jacob

Jasper….Bella

Emmet….Rosalie

Rosalie….Esme

Esme….Carlisle

Carlisle….Emmet

Jacob….

* * *

Scene One-The Meadow

We were just about to begin.

"Alice," I complained for the umpteenth time, "Why can't I just play myself?"

"Because," she said, "Bella's playing you. And nobody is supposed to get their own part."

"But Edward got his own part!" I said.

Alice sighed. "Come on. Stop being such a pussy."

I grumbled under my breath. She would be complaining too if she had gotten the role of Edward and Bella had her own.

She pecked me on the cheek, saying, "Come on. It's not _that_ bad."

"Oh, it's not, huh?" I asked. "Then what qualifies as _that bad?_"

We stand. "Whatever." Alice says, pushing me forward. "Get out there. It's your time to shine!"

I was 99.9999999999999 percent sure this was the stupidest thing I had ever done in my whole immortal life.

I was standing in full sunlight, sparkling like I had jumped in a pool of glitter. Why, I have no idea. That's just what my script says. I don't write this stuff!

I was staring at some old fart and he was staring back at me. Remembering my script, we began to walk towards each other simultaneously. Then we just stood there looking at each other in the most awkward way. Finally, Edward, my brother, walked out of the trees and over to me. He put his arm around my shoulder but I shoved him away. The old guy in front of me shoved away air.

I was slightly annoyed for a minute but then I remembered that he was supposed to copy everything I did. So I walked in a circle doing the chicken dance, jumped up and down and waved my arms in the air like a crazy person, did the Dougie, and did multiple handstands, summersaults, and back flips. The old guy did everything I did, without fail and seemingly without even breaking a sweat.

"What the hell?" I said, confused. What was this guy, a triathlete?

"CUT, CUT!" the director yelled.

The next scene was in Bella's room. I was lying in the bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the cameras to start rolling. When they finally did, I acted as if I was waking up, sitting up and giving a very fake yawn, stretching my arms.

At that moment, Charlie walked into my room.

"Good morning, Jas—Bella!" he said.

"Mornin'."

"Do you know what day it is today?"

I glanced at the calendar. "Uhm, Friday the 13th?"

"It's your birthday!"

"Oh."

Charlie cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Well…uhm…I…" he paused, fingering a shiny new camera. "I got you a present," he said, tossing it to me. I didn't bother to catch it, since it landed on the bed anyway.

"Thanks." I said robotically. "Now, if you don't mind, I need to pretend to get ready for school, so, if you would, please close the door on your way out."

Charlie muttered something under his breath as he left the room. As soon as he was gone, I got up, took a glance in the mirror, and left the room also. The cameramen had to jog to keep up. Whatever. I know I should slow down, but that's too bad. I want to get done with this as quickly as possible.

They caught up with me in the driveway, though. Because I was playing Bella, I was required to drive her truck to school. It took me five tries to start it up and it broke down three times on the way there. Either I'm having bad luck since it's Friday the 13th, the truck hates me, or this truck is awfully shitty.

When I finally got in the school parking lot, I kicked the truck and left a dent in the rim. Oh, shit. Maybe the truck was so janked up that Bella wouldn't notice…

Edward walked up to me when I got out. He put an arm around me and attempted to peck me on my cheek but I leaned as far away from him as I could. I had no desire to kiss my brother.

"So how was your drive?" he asked, pretending not to notice.

"Character building," I muttered as we walked up to the school building.

Edward laughed softly and wrapped an arm around me. I squirmed.

When we got in the school, Jacob (playing Alice) and Bella (playing me) walked up to us. Jacob shifted awkwardly and read from his cue cards, "Hey, we are having a party at our house tonight. You'd better come."

Man, this was going to be a really, really cruddy movie.

"Okay," I said.

Edward looked shocked. "But Bella, you don't like parties!"

"I know."

"Then why did you agree so quickly?"

"Because it's not like I have much of a choice in the matter, do I?"

After that was over with, Alice (the real one, who was supposed to be playing Jessica) waltzed over to me and whispered in my ear, giggling, "Jasper, are you aware that you are the worst actor ever known to man?"

I smiled a little. "How about Jacob?"

"At least he's saying what he's supposed to." She said, then laughed. "Can't wait til this movie comes out!"


End file.
